To the same measure you give.. tat you will receive..

Just came back from a dept dinner... it was alrite... as usual.. everyone laughed at my jokes.. cabbed back home with my colleagues.. laughed all the way home also.. well... I didn't laugh tat much.. kind of came home feeling very down in fact.. chatted on msn with my cgl.. thank God of him.. kind of indirectly told him abt my situation.. here I am bringing joy to ppl around me.. but I cant experience tat amount of joy myself.. wat he said left me thinking.. "Amanda.. we can only be so loved by u to a certain extend by the amount of love u shower onto urself too".. wow... I just teared... very touched tat my cgl knows my inward thoughts even though I didn't directly tell him wat was bothering me.. maybe I need to love myself more.. and after all I've been thru.. it wont be easy.. but at least it's worth a try.. hope ppl will view my joy as genuine joy and not craziness.. I don't want to be viewed as some1 only "good-at-laughing".. pple just need to see the other side of me.. one tat has always been very well concealed.. "Search my heart oh Lord.. You know my every thought.. An open book to you.. I lay my life in Your hands.."